I have been feeling stuck in a rut for a long ass time. I have been wanting to know how to get out of this rut. I feel lost mostly. That I am not moving forward or behind. The 2 of Swords kind of feeling. Stuck in a limbo of existence. Unknown which way to move that would help me move forward. My life isn’t as magical as it used to be. I feel like I have hit a brick wall. I knew I needed some change. I need a new outlook on life. I need to declutter myself too. I have felt this way for years so it isn’t with the birth of my son. This is just a dwindling feeling of being stuck. The path is just unclear for me to move on.
I have been trying to see the bright side of life. To try to appreciate the joys, even small, instead of focusing on the negative. It has helped some, but there really hasn’t been a huge change. I decided to try to read up on ways to improve my life. Ways to help me see & clean up what feels stagnant energy. I want to be my authentic, free spirit self, but also have fear of being that way. I never used to feel this way before. It has been almost 3 years since I have felt so unlike “me”. I feel caged in. Helpless. Confused. I try different things, different ways. Where did the person go that I was like 3 years ago? Why did my confidence deplete?
I have been getting some guidance sent to me in form of messages that I am going to be working on implementing.
First one is being a vegetarian. There are some reasons why I have felt compelled to do this. Meat has been making me sick as of late. It doesn’t have the satisfying taste as it used to. Plus I have been wondering if I am absorbing the energies from the meat as it does make me feel sad at times or I feel full of anxiety. I have become really sensitive to things. It is hard to be a vegetarian when your partner is a meat eater. I am slowly transitioning to this lifestyle as I can.
Second, I am just letting go of those that are toxic. I’m just tired. I don’t care for gossip. I don’t care for toilet humor. I don’t care for making fun of others. I need those in my life that I can have a deep connection with. I blame myself because I just don’t want to reach out to anyone either. It is like the human race just has no empathy or emotion. They are only interested in themselves or what they get out of the deal instead of caring for others as a whole. We have went from a WE complex to a ME complex. I have just felt a huge disconnection with people. Let them fall off of my life & the ones that want to stay can stay. Engage my senses. Look at the deeper meanings of what life gives you. Explore your mind more. In some ways I feel like I have become a prude, in others I feel like I have grown. I’m just tired of not feeling fulfilled. In all honesty, I want to cut everyone off. EVERYONE. Well except my small family. Majority of the time I am rolling my eyes at people, at links shared, at gossip, at basically everything. Why can’t we just be appreciative of the simple things we have in life? Who cares what the Joneses are doing? Blah!
Last, working on me. That in itself is a challenge on its own. Especially when I am lost & don’t know which direction I should head to. I feel empty mostly. I feel as though I have no one to really talk to. I know there are those that say “Well you can come to me?” But no. I have changed too much for them to understand. Some have come back into my life that have been missing for so many years and the only reason they came back to me is when they found out I had a baby. I swear you have a baby & people show up out of no where! Family, ex friends, even ex lovers! I don’t know WHY they come back. I have those that just stalk my shit constantly. Am I that hard to just get rid of? Want to know what Brandy is up to today? LMAO! I’m interesting I guess. Which makes me really wonder if I do embody the Queen of Wands. I see her as someone who has a magnetic personality, confident, bold, with the hint of magic & a mysterious soul. Maybe that is it. So I keep the real me inside. Locked up. Caged. Swallowed the key. I only write in my journal when I feel I need to. Now I know I probably pissed a bunch of people off & I am cool with that. Speaking the truth here. I have become so damn blunt with what I say anymore I just don’t care. People want me to be authentic, well here ya go. LMAO!
My main goal is to create a magical life for myself. To live my authentic me. To go back to how I used to be in a sense that I just let go of things & became a free spirit. So far it is a slow process, but it is something I am working on. A change from within. Which I also blame why I have distant myself from others too. I need me. I can’t block all completely, sadly, as that is what I want to do. To turn off the outside so I can work on the inside, but I don’t know how long that will take me & some I have to keep tabs on.
So this is what I am working on right now. Step by step. Little by little.